Toastmastery

No, I haven't mastered toast making ... but I did win a prize for a speech and I thought you might like to have a read!

As some of you probably know, going through a marriage separation can be very hard and very isolating, and that is how I found myself late last year thinking about ways to get out and socialise and meet some people, and maybe even make some friends (even though making a friend as an adult is near impossible).

Then, about a week later, I found myself as a guest at a local chapter of Toastmasters International, a group I had checked out once before in my early 20s because there was a girl there I liked.

My impression going in was that it was dorky, and overly focused on leadership and serious business chatter, but I went in with an open mind.

I bloody loved it.

It turned out that was the second last meeting of the year, and I was forced to miss the last meeting due to holding tickets for Jack White at the Town Hall. But I went along again for the first meeting of 2025 and joined up.

Honestly, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. There are so many clubs in Auckland, but I managed to land in one of the friendliest and most fun, I reckon. It’s about as diverse a group of people as you’ll find anywhere. Yeah, there are dorks and word nerds, and sometimes it might feel a bit stuffy, but we’re all there for a good time. There are a ton of laughs at every meeting. Its one of my favourite events every fortnight. And if you’ve ever thought it might be something you’re interested in, I highly recommend you check out a club.

Anyway, to get to the point here, when you join Toastmasters, you choose a learning pathway (all included in your membership fees) and are assigned a first speech, titled an Icebreaker - you speak for around five minutes on a topic of your choice, as long as it introduces you. Then you get down to work on your chosen pathway. I chose one titled Engaging Humour, as I wanted to focus on impromptu speaking and making my brain work in front of a crowd.

This past Tuesday, I delivered my second speech. And I was honoured to be given the club award for Best Speaker on the night, which is truly humbling.

And then I would share it here for all of you to enjoy too. I started by writing it out as in full, then shortening it down to bullet points and practising, then shortening it to single word bullet points, and practising again.

The task was to write a speech with a purpose; mine was to help people succeed on dating apps. It went for almost seven minutes in person but SubStack will probably call it a 2-min read or some nonsense. Enjoy!

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Dating In 2025

My friends, I want to share with you an awful experience that I had over the past year; a horrifying series of events that caused me to question my life choices; a traumatic sequence of interactions that made me lose my very faith in humanity.

Folks, I had to use a dating app to try and meet someone.

Let me rewind a little and explain.

So, after a decade of marriage and a couple of years growing apart, my wife and I decided to separate. Or rather, she decided we should separate and I agreed because by that point it felt like a logical decision for us to take next. And we had time to get out before we hated each other.

And so we set about the separation process – a quote-unquote “conscious uncoupling”, as Coldplay singer Chris Martin and vaginal candle saleswoman Gwyneth Paltrow put it. I found somewhere to live, eventually settling in Papakura. We arranged co-parenting our kids. Everything went well.

Okay, look, I don’t want to brag or harp on, but it was the best separation between two people, like, ever. The 80s pop duo Hall & Oates – the ‘oh-oh here she comes, she’s a man-eater’ guys. Hall & Oates broke up around the same time we did and we made them look ridiculous. And they didn’t even have kids together.

Anyway, after a while, I decided I might want to get out and meet someone new, and that is when I encountered the modern day dating scene – or as it is more commonly known, the seventh level of hell.

So, for the rest of my time tonight, I want to share with you four key pieces of advice I wish I had known before I started putting myself out there.

Before we start, let me explain the different apps.

Most of the apps work the same way: you post information about yourself, add a couple of photos, tell the app what you’re looking for, and before long you’re being shown accounts which you need to swipe right to like or left to pass.

And there are a ton of these apps, all with names like OkCupid and Plenty Of Fish and eHarmony and Muzz and Christian Dating Connection and Raya and Bumpy and Happn, spelt h-a-p-p-n. A lot of them have missing letters. Feeld, spelt f-e-e-l-d. Grindr, spelt g-r-i-n-d-r.

I stuck to the three main ones.

The most famous is Tinder, an app which seems built for one night stands. I’m not suited to that. Or that’s what I figured after swiping right roughly 2000 times.

The next was called Bumble, spelt correctly. I had more success here as it focused more on personality and I have one of those.

The third was called Hinge, also spelt correctly. It is incredibly personality focused and encourages discussion rather than a simple thumbs up. This one was very much my speed. My face won’t convince you to say yes, but give me 150 characters and I can charm anyone.

I ended up on about a dozen different dates. Around half were one and done. The rest formed the basis of these lessons. And one turned into my new girlfriend.

So here is what I learnt:

Number one: meet sooner than later.

One woman I met on Bumble in November was really nice – she was smart, enjoyed science fiction, was funny. But she insisted on messaging for weeks before we met up. We met in person around a month after we started talking and there was absolutely no chemistry. None.

There was more chemistry between Hall & Oates at the end of their partnership.

So make sure you meet sooner than later to check if the chemistry is there, and spare yourself an awkward night at a Lonestar restaurant eating a steak in silence so thick you could cut it with a Lonestar steak knife.

Number two: don’t take things personally.

Okay, in fairness, this one might be on me.

In October, I started chatting with someone new, and before long we had plans to meet up after the weekend and continued texting and flirting.

Anyways, on the weekend, I had my kids and was getting ready to give them a bath. She asked to see the bath. I took a photo; it was one of those corner baths thats kind of part spa pool. She commented that it was huge. So, I thought I’d be funny and commented – and this is completely true – that it was big enough for three kids, or for two consenting adults at the outset of a new relationship.

She did not find that funny. She called off the date, blocked me on the app we were using and that was that. I probably asked for that. But also you cannot tell what someone is like from a text message. Until you meet in person, don’t take anything too personally or too seriously.

Number three read the room.

The first actual success I had was in late August; she was into video games and sci-fi and books and music, and was really funny. And for our third date, I suggested we have takeout and play some video games at my place.

She brought the game, and this is where it went horribly wrong.

The game she brought was called It Takes Two, and it was a co-operative two player game with a storyline that had you play as a couple on the verge of divorce who have to work together and make amends to save their child who is in some kind of a magical coma. That was when I realised that August was maybe too soon for me to be out there and took a step back.

But, also, I have to question the wisdom in bringing that specific game. My point is: be careful until you’re totally sure that the video game you chose won’t cause an emotional break.

Lastly, number four: don’t rush it.

I mentioned that I have a new girlfriend. We met on Hinge in early January and, following my own advice, we met sooner than later – the same day we connected, in fact, after we realised that she worked round the corner from where I was living at the time. We immediately hit it off.

Continuing my steps to success, we were honest about where we were at and we didn’t take anything personally. In fact, a few days after we met, before we’d even had a second meetup, I ended up caring for my kids for ten days straight, so we were forced to take it slow. But that meant that, instead of awkward dates or poor video game choices, we spent the week drinking tea on my patio and getting to know each other. We very quickly formed a close, deep connection.

It was like speed-running the first six months. We moved in together a month ago and I’d say I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while. The apps worked.

So if you take anything from my story, let it be this:

Meet sooner than later.
Don’t take things personally.
Read the room.
Don’t rush it.

And if you’re putting yourself out there, be patient.

The right person might be just round the corner.

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Thanks for reading e te whanau!
I’ll be back with some album reviews tomorrow.

Mā te wā, Chris xo