Month

It's been a minute, hasn't it.

As I sat across the table from my partner this morning and supped from a cup of tea, the slurping of the cats eating their breakfast a soundtrack to waking, I noticed the date and was struck again by a pang of guilt.

It’s been over a month since I posted anything on SubStack.

I’ve felt guilty about that at times. I’ve opened up the SubStack editor occasionally, found a new subscriber or two, or a like here and there, but I’ve not found the will to actually write anything. Even with a half dozen works in progress in my drafts - a piece I started about a weird band from Tauranga; planning for a series of pieces about stuff I didn’t know - I couldn’t find the energy to actually sit down and do the work.

So instead I saw the link to SubStack in my bookmarks and thought ‘I should do something about that’, and felt that little tug of guilt somewhere in the back of my mind. I feel like I’m letting you down more than I’m letting me down.

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I guess the question then is: why? As I think back, it really wasn’t any one thing. Instead, a number of things happened all at the same time. ‘A little bit of everything, all of the time,’ Bo Burnham puts it. It was everything, everywhere, all at once, to glean the title of one of my favourite movies of the 2020s.

If I think hard about it, I would say there are three factors that determine how much I want to put into my SubStack: feeling like the work is meaningful in some way, that it is worth the effort to listen to and write about new music; that I feel good about where I’m posting that work; and the general state of the world.

I don’t know that I need to elaborate much on the general state of the world since, you know. So let’s leave that be for now.

Bowie passed away January 10, 2016. Coincidence? I think not.

As far as where I’m posting the work, I think David Farrier made a much better case for leaving SubStack than I ever could. Emily Writes also left the platform in typical style. Both of them migrated to something called Ghost, which is a lot cooler name than ‘SubStack’.

Honestly, I think some of the revelations from Farrier played a part in my lack of output. I’m probably a little more reticent about de-platforming than he is; my approach to alt-right trolls and/or Nazis on the internet is just to look away - let them say whatever they want, we don’t need to acknowledge they exist.

The biggest problem I had with what Farrier reported was the idea of promoting these groups - the recommendation that was sent to some users, the promoting of a racist on a podcast, the link to a weirdly racist hot take on an official blog from the company. If SubStack promotes political viewpoints I agree with AND also promotes the exact opposite, do they see those two outlets as equivalent?

But also: are they equivalent? I struggle with this moral quandary. Like, a lot.

Let me give you an example. One of the people in my life who I love dearest is a born again Christian who believes that there is one god and that any religion that disagrees with Christianity is wrong. My argument to that is that other religions undoubtedly feel the same way. Judaism no doubt thinks that Christians are doing it wrong, Islam thinks they’re both wrong, Flying Spaghetti Monster aficionados think they’re all crazy, and on it goes. Therefore the correct way to think of ones religious beliefs is as one option among many, to act with hubris, to admit that one might be wrong in their beliefs.

Yet I struggle to apply that same thinking to my own viewpoints. I would describe my worldview as liberal, anti-capitalist, utilitarian, and atheistic; and I further believe that the world would be a good place if everyone believed and acted in accordance with my worldview.

If I apply the same logic to my views as I do to my friend’s religious views, then conservative and pro-capitalism and religious viewpoints are no less valid than my own, then my views are just one option among many.

How can I confidently say that they are totally wrong and I am totally right? I don’t know that for sure. And, further, I think doing so is more damaging in the long run. It is clear that human society is my fractured and partisan than at any time since the second world war - and I would hazard a guess that the main reason is exactly what I am describing: pointing at others’ beliefs and loudly proclaiming ‘you are wrong’ instead of making room for them.

I’m digressing in a huge way. Stream of consciousness and all that.

My point is that Farrier’s article horrified me and I stepped away from the blog, but in the time since I’ve started to feel like a lack of acceptance that dissenting opinions and viewpoints exist is a bigger problem than them existing.

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I have also learnt over the past couple of years that there is an indelible link between the state of the world - or at least the state of the parts of the world I interact with - and my willingness to engage with it.

The shooting of Charlie Kirk last week has brought that into stark relief.

I don’t need to rehash the details; Kirk is a fairly well known name and his death has been all across every news and social media website in the world. Needless to say that I did not believe in much that Kirk believed and promoted as leader of conservative christian nationalist youth organisation Turning Point USA.

I also found myself horrified by his assassination last week. There is no room in a democracy for political violence - nor violence of any kind, honestly. Nobody should die simply for holding a view that some disagree with. We don’t live in a free society when a person might get shot for saying the wrong thing.

And while Kirk and I disagree politically, I am sure we would have found common ground elsewhere. We both have young kids and probably felt much the same way about loving them and doing our best for them. Maybe he liked Deftones as much as me, or enjoyed a board game or two in the evening, or liked the same flavour of cake that I do. There is always common ground.

I also had to take a break from the internet for a few days after he was shot because - as horrifying as his death was - the reaction from some people was equally disgusting. Post after post on social media and Reddit and under news articles from liberals that he got what he deserved or got what was coming to him or that the world is a better place without him. Post after post on social media and Reddit and under news articles from conservatives decrying his assassination as an act of war from ‘the left’ that should be avenged.

Trump didn’t help either. No surprise there, honestly.

So I took a few days off the internet at large, sticking to what I needed for work and for hobbies, and trying not to get caught up in the rest. I found a second hand copy of Arkham Horror: The Card Game and learnt how to play that. I finally beat Hans The Butcher in a round of Final Girl, then I beat the evomorph in the Into The Void feature. I introduced my partner to the board game version of Dorf Romantik and she introduced me to Stardew Valley. I finally watched Marvel’s Ironheart series on Disney+ while also playing as Ironheart in a solo game of Marvel Champions - and fighting The Hood, no less.

It was fun.

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This has ended up longer than I was expecting.

I guess what I was trying to say is that the last month has caused me to check out entirely. I was conflicted about being on SubStack for a start, then worldwide events made me want off the internet entirely. I’m still there honestly.

But I also started to struggle - and continue to struggle - with whether there is any value in what I’m doing here. Back around when Farrier’s piece landed, I found myself challenged by something I saw on here and subsequently can’t find to share with you now: essentially, what it was saying, was that local music doesn’t need more people to say they heard it - they need people to organise shows and go along to gigs and support the artists directly.

This challenge arrived at the same time I was already feeling a bit burnt out on all the listening and reviewing and writing. I’ve complained before about not returning to albums I love as frequently as I would like. And the truth is that reading a review from me is less valuable than going along to a show.

While I wasn’t interested in writing about music - or writing at all - the times that I did feel like putting digital pen to paper, it turned into angry ranting which would have been of zero value at all. Like an ill-advised email at work, I got it out of my system then deleted it without sending. I felt better. I’m glad I didn’t send any of them. You would have hated it.

So what next?

I have no idea. I don’t know when I’ll write next, nor what it will be about. If it turns into a long time - or never - please know that I have appreciated every one of you who read and liked and commented and supported what I was doing here. I mentioned guilt before; I only felt that because I felt I was letting you down. I do not take you for granted, please know that.

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Mā te wā,
Chris xo